Week One Of Lent Down, On To Week Two

 I thought being more mindful of social media would be harder than it is.  Sometimes I forget and start checking it, only to remember, then I shut it down right away.  But I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. I think the times when I'm bored (like right now during my son's tutoring session) is when I miss it the most.  But I don't miss all of the news, all of the sad things, all of the infighting.  I guess I also don't miss all of my FOMO.  Man, I never really realized how even some of the positive accounts I follow make me feel bad.  Perfectly curated houses, perfectly curated children, perfectly curated everything.  This isn't on them, it's on me.  I look at myself and say "What a mess.  I've got to do better".  But honestly, I am doing my best.  And I may not be perfectly curated, but I'm doing ok.  And that's OK. But one of my New Years goals was to slow down and take more time for me and find more peace in my life.  I never really realized that I wasn't doing that until I lessened my social media usage.  All the noise is too much for peace.  And I didn't really realize that until I took a step back.

This is from my reading today and it really hit me.  (Lenten Reading: Media Fasting - Six Weeks To Recharge In Christ).  

Another thing that I have realized since starting Lent and implementing another Lenten penance is that I have really been fooling myself about my "healthy" life style.  There are things that I really didn't want to look at.  I didn't want to look at them because they might be hard, they might be ugly, they might not be what I want.  But I think it's what I need.  And it is hard.  But that is what Lent is all about.  It's doing the hard thing that brings you closer to God.  It's letting go of things that are coming between you and your relationship with God. And I've been cheating myself by not doing the hard thing.  When it's hard, that's when you pray.  That's when you call on God to get you through.  I can't do all things.  But God can.  I rely too much on my own strength, and I'm not as strong as I think I am.  And I certainly don't have all the answers. I'm pretty good about praying for others. And I'm good as praying to God to ask for things that I want.  I'm not so good at praying to God and asking for his help.  I always think that I have to push myself and do it alone.  That is such a lie.  I still have to push myself, but I need to ask for Gods help while doing it.  

Who would think that I would get to the ripe old age and would be still figuring this out? I'm sure I'll forget again. That's what we do. Our brains want to choose the easy.  So I'm learning this lesson and I'm writing down right here for my future self.  

I sat on the front porch with a cup of tea and a book this morning.  Normally I would have sat there scrolling my phone.  I would have missed the peace that came with sitting there quietly, with my Lenten reading, and taking 20 minutes to just be.  I think I'm going to do this again tomorrow. 

What Do You Want To Do With Your Life?

With having the two boys in college, this question comes up a lot.  And how many 18 year olds actually know the answer to this question?

I remember being a senior in high school and having to answer this question, and not having a clue to what I was supposed to choose for a major.  One parent was pushing for medicine or law.  Those are great things and if I applied myself, I might have been able to swing one of those (but I doubt it).  I'm not someone who had an easy time in school, and I'd have to apply myself above the normal level of studying and neither of those things felt like a calling to me.  I know myself too well to know that if I'm not 100% invested in a subject, I am not going to go above and beyond to master it.  

There were a lot of subjects that I was interested in, but nothing I felt I could make a career out of.  Since I never really excelled at anything (I'm more a of a middle of the road achiever than an over achiever), I picked the one thing that I actually won an award in, and even though I had no idea what kind of job I could get with that major, I went with it.  It all worked out in the end.  I always feel like God puts you where you need to be, sometimes even in spite of yourself.  

My husband and I met at work.  Had I chosen a different major, maybe we would have never met.  Or maybe we wouldn't have met at the right time.  Everything works out the way that it should.

But even though I truly believe all of this, I feel like I'm missing something.  I feel like I should be doing something more.  But I don't know what that is.  I'm a wife and mother, and I've ALWAYS known that is what I want to do with my life.  Even as a little girl, I knew that.  And even in college when people would ask me what I planned on doing after college, I always responded that workwise I have no idea, but I hope to be a wife and mother someday. 

The last few years, I've felt like there is something else I should be doing.  Kind of a side hustle, but nothing that interferes with my main calling of wife and mother.  I'd like to bring in a little extra income.  We are fine financially, but college is expensive, and I'd like to be able to help out. But I have no idea what I want to do with my life...yes, even at the ripe old age of 52.

I pray about it.  And I ask God to show me the way.  I thought I would love to be the church secretary.  I love our church and I love running an office.  But that job wasn't open.  So, I just kept praying about it.  Then a family member was diagnosed with cancer at the same time that job opened up.  And the family member needed me more.  I took that as God's way of saying that church secretary was not the job for me.  

And I continue to pray about it.  And I don't feel like God is answering me.  But maybe that is the answer.  Maybe being wife and mother is the only thing I'm supposed to be doing right now.  Maybe that is enough right now.  We still have the little guy at home, and we have aging parents and maybe this is right where I'm meant to be.  I'm not 100% sure, so I'll keep praying on it.  And I know God will put me right where I'm meant to be.  Because he always does.  Even if I don't understand it.  Even if I think I should be somewhere else.  God knows, even if I don't.  

Moving Forward

Even though we are stuck here in quarantine land, life still has a way of moving forward.

We signed the oldest up for college the other day.  He's registered and his meal plan and room and board have been chosen. He'll be attending Miami University in the fall (at least that's the plan.  We'll have to wait and see what the Governor does about schools opening).

This was NOT an easy decision.  He actually had another college in first place on his list.  He originally wanted a small, Catholic college environment, but his first choice did not come back with enough scholarship money and it was almost $10,000 more per year than his other choices.  We, as his parents, just could not justify paying that much more when we still have two other children who are planning to attend college also.  It broke our hearts to say no, but we have to put the whole family first.  So he moved on to his second choice.  And he is extremely excited!  He is also relieved that he has a plan and is excited to move forward with his life.  I am excited for him!!  I think he will do well here despite the fact that it's bigger and not Catholic.  There is a Catholic church right by campus and he can attend mass, adoration, and confession and they also have ministries that he can join (if his schedules allows).

So while we are house bound for the moment, the future waits for no one.  Even the pandemic can not stop completely the forward trajectory of our lives.  Right now, it just seems that way.

The mixed emotions I have right now are incredible.  I can not imagine my baby leaving our home.  I've dreaded this for 18 years.  But I know it's why God gave me this child in the first place.  It was my job to teach him to fly and it's also my job to let him do that.  Oh it is so hard though.

Ever since this pandemic started, I have been on the verge of tears.  Silly things make me cry.  But now that college is looming in front of us, it's even harder not to wear my emotions on my sleeve and tear up at every little thing.  And while I'm dreading his leaving us, I'm also so very excited for him and can't wait to see where his future leads.  I know God has a plan for him and I'm looking forward to watching his journey.

And I suppose this is all a part of my journey too.  It's one that I'm hoping to embrace with grace.  I guess this is just another thing that I have to put in God's hands.